Love feels good.
But as with our cars, which periodically need an oil change or a tune-up, so too do our relationships sometimes require some maintenance. Did you ever get the sense that your marriage could use some tweaking? Marriage counseling could be the answer.
Is it for you? Below are 10 signs that may mean it's time to consult a marriage counselor.
Signs And Symptoms a Couple May Need Marriage Counseling
Knowing when to hire a marriage counselor is key. You don't let your household plants wilt entirely before watering them, do you?
Then why wait for your relationship to reach a breaking point?
#1 Communication Breakdown
Talking to a wall ever? Or, worse yet, does each of your conversations lead to a fight?
Whenever simplicity becomes complicated due to the mere existence of interaction (that is what I call open dialogue, for you naysayers who think opening communication channels will fix things, it won´t.
By its own nature, it will catalyze confusion; then, that´s a red blinking light saying extractors need repair. Good communication is like oxygen for relationships: Without it, love dies.
Any successful marriage is built on effective communication, fostering strands of understanding, trust, and intimacy between partners. However, sometimes those threads are pulled, and the stitching becomes loose, causing what many refer to as a "communication breakdown."
This breakdown feels like two ships adrift on a wide-open sea, neither realizing the direction of the other. Such a breakdown can create an isolation between elements, which may produce frustration and even hostility.
One of the reasons for misunderstandings in a marriage is that couples carry too much emotional baggage. Baggage from the past, unresolved issues, or suppressed emotions can make for an emotional minefield. Partners may tiptoe around one another, sidestepping honest conversations to keep a lid on potential blowups, or, conversely, get stuck in emotional outbursts. Furthermore, when couples fail to seek clarity or express their feelings openly and non-defensively actively, they often become caught up in assuming or mind-reading their partner's intentions. This propensity can also sow the seeds of confusion, placing expectations where they do not belong, or leading to misunderstandings.
Modern life, and its constant demands and distractions, can also be a factor. Couples may become so caught up in life that they forget to spend quality time together. This neglect erodes emotional connection and deep dialogue over time.
Likewise, couples may choose to tiptoe around complex subjects or conflicts to preserve peace. The goal may be to maintain peace, but consistently sidestepping complex issues can erode trust and leave both parties feeling dismissed.
Adding another element of difficulty, there's a different communication style for everyone. The nuances of one partner's style could be vastly different from those of the other's. When we don't understand and adapt to one another, it's easy for messages to be misinterpreted.
When communication in a marriage breaks down, it's like an untended garden, after months of neglecting those weeds. Misinterpretations and distance grow like weeds, smothering the original bond.
Of course, rebuilding a strong relationship full of open communication, recognizing and proactively addressing the issues becomes critical. The number one reason most people seek marriage counseling is due to a lack of communication.
#2 Infidelity Issues
Emotional or physical infidelity can destroy trust in a marriage. It's like dropping a glass vase — even if you glue the pieces back together, the cracks remain. Marriage counselling can help you navigate these challenging times and rebuild trust.
Adultery, described as much a betrayal as it is infidelity, looms in the shadow of marriage. When a spouse seeks intimacy outside the marriage -- emotionally or physically -- there will be reverberations. Trust breaks - this is the bottom line in any relationship that has gone off the rails, and leads to (macroscopically) betrayal and (microscopically) hurt feelings and disbelief by the cheated party.
Reasons for infidelity can be complex, and often a combination of more than one or all apply: personal dissatisfaction (whether physical or psychological), validation from a non-spouse of the marriage, emotional disconnection between spouses, and past negative history while growing up with one's family of origin.
Whether you're the one who initiated the split or not, it's a scenario that breeds a storm of emotions—anger, sadness, guilt, and confusion. The partner who has been betrayed will have questions such as "Why did this happen? Or “Was I not enough?” might dominate their thoughts.
The minefield of dealing with infidelity is not easy. The first impression often evokes heightened emotions, making it difficult to have a rational conversation. However, as the years pass, a couple must decide whether to rebuild or sever the connection. Reconstructing is about facing the infidelity, trying to learn as much as you can about how/why it happened, and coming together to repair what's been broken.
This journey often benefits from professional intervention, such as marriage counseling, which can provide a safe space for open dialogue and healing.
For others, however, the lack of trust is irreparable. A spouse may want to have a formal ending to start anew. Regardless of how one decides to move forward, overcoming infidelity takes resilience and often external support to heal and move forward.
#3 Financial Strains
Some have money issues.
They can mutate love stories into nightmares. Differences in spending, saving, or debt can strain any relationship. However, remember that it's not about money; it's about respect and understanding.
Financial arguments or tension can exacerbate an already existing problem, revealing differences in values, priorities, or future goals between the two of you.
The problems range from insufficient spending to excessive spending, investment approaches contradicting each other, to matters rooted deeper, such as secret loans and unfair financial sharing.
She might be a spender, committed to valuing current life experiences; he might be a saver, prioritizing future security above always living in the present. Such stark differences in financial philosophy can lead to regular conflict, with both seeing the perspective of the other as reckless or confining.
Worse, major financial decisions, such as buying a home, saving for a child's education, or planning for retirement, can be the scenes of disagreements if they are not handled with unity and transparency. For a couple who are already financially up against it, an unexpected cost or job loss can put strain on the relationship, bringing added anxiety and sometimes accusations.
Open conversation is key to navigating these financial complexities.
Left unchecked, resentments may simmer for a while before boiling over into full-fledged wars of words. Joint financial goals, budgets, and regular money conversations help to build mutual understanding and teamwork. However, for certain couples, seeking outside assistance, such as financial counseling or marriage therapy that focuses on resolving financial conflicts, can be invaluable.
After all, money, when combined through joint communication and decision-making, and used to alleviate stress instead of causing misery, can be a tool for creating a shared future, not just one that alienates people from each other.
#4 Intimacy Disconnection
Can you recall the back-in-the-day days when you couldn't quite keep your hands off one another?
And now it appears there is an ever-widening chasm. But when intimacy slowly disappears, it’s not the physical connection that one longs for so much as emotional closeness.
An intimacy disconnect (whether gradual or sudden) can often feel like there's a quiet chasm that widens between people who were once able to share their most intimate thoughts and feelings.
There can be many reasons intimacy becomes disconnected. The hustle and bustle of life, duties related to child-rearing, or outside stresses such as job pressure can cause focus on the marital relationship to wane. This distraction, which is usually not intended, can make it seem as if the married couple is just housemates rather than lovers. What's more, leftover conflicts or unhealed emotional wounds can create walls that make connection tough going.
Physical intimacy, too, can wane.
Decline in physical intimacy is a natural progression with health, aging, or unresolved emotional issues. But for many people, it's not just about the act itself, but also the vulnerability, trust, and mutual affection that accompany it.
Intentionality is key to bridging the intimacy gap. Reviving intimacy often involves returning to the basics: talking openly, spending quality time together, and addressing issues proactively that are contributing to the separation. It could also mean seeking professional support, such as couples therapy, to help navigate underlying issues.
Put simply, an intimacy disconnect in a marriage is meant to be a wake-up call that says, "Shift yourself back into connecting deeply so it's easier on both of you!" It is a plea to reignite the flame that never really goes out, even if it occasionally flickers.
#5 Major Life Changes
Rides of life — job loss, new baby, relocation, or the diagnosis of a dread disease — can shake the joy right out from under a relationship. Marriage counseling is your seatbelt on this wild ride — it holds you both in.
As life unfolds, couples often face pivotal changes that can alter the dynamics of their relationship. Such major life events can put a strain on your marriage.
And then, there are those life-changing events, such as the birth of a baby, which fill your life with joy and sudden responsibility. Yes, having a baby is the single most fantastic thing that can happen to you, but it comes with not sleeping, realigning priorities, and sometimes redefining roles at home.
Another such change that confronts most of us at least once in our lifetime is a career transition — such as a promotion, submitting a letter of resignation, or retiring. Such changes can affect financial security, daily habits, and even one's sense of self.
Moves, whether for career opportunities or personal reasons, can also bring new excitement and stress. Relocating to a new area involves forming new social ties, adapting to different cultural norms and ways of life, and often losing our familiar sources of support.
Similarly, health problems or aging can alter daily experiences, both physically and emotionally.
While the inevitable changes that people face can affect a marriage, they do so in different ways. Honesty, encouragement, and being willing to be patient with yourself are all valuable resources that can help you through these seas. However, going through change together, rather than fighting and fearing it, can help bond the couple even further. After all, it isn't the lack of challenges but being able to stand up to them together that really makes a marriage strong.
#6 Parenting Disagreements
To spank or not to spank?
Homeschool or public school?
Parenthood comes with a whole new set of challenges. And if you’re not in sync, it can create a divide. But guess what? It’s okay to seek guidance.
Parenting is a great gift, but it also adds a dimension to a marriage. The magnitude of shaping young lives is enormous, and it's no wonder there may be disagreements between spouses on how to raise their children. These disputes, left unresolved, can also create friction and disharmony in the marriage.
The source of parenting disputes often stems from each partner's own upbringing. Everyone has memories, values, and lessons from their childhood. And such ingrained beliefs are bound to emerge when it comes to decisions about discipline, education, or even what's for dinner.
For example, one parent might be all about rigid rules and schedules while the other may take a more relaxed, go-with-the-flow approach.
Add the cultural and societal backgrounds, and the plot can become even more complex. "Maybe we're working towards the same goal, but under different assumptions or ideas," says Zachary Brown, an associate professor at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign who has studied disagreement between parents about their child's life experiences.
And then, the ongoing stages of a growing child remain ever challenging. "What works at one age doesn't work as they get older, so the skills required are malleability and, many times, renegotiating between parents," he says.
Open discussion is the foundation when navigating parenting differences of opinion. Respect can be built between parents if you "get" what underlies each person's perspective. Perhaps couples would benefit from attending parenting classes or marriage counseling, or it could be as simple as scheduling a time to talk about the same approaches and strategies. Parenting that promotes a peaceful home and a stable environment is essential for child development.
#7 Lack of Trust
Doubting your partner’s every move?
Trust is difficult to rebuild once it has been broken. It's like trying to rub pencil marks off paper; the impressions linger. However, with some effort and the guidance of marriage counseling, it's possible to rebuild.
Trust, the cornerstone of a healthy intimate relationship, is crucial in maintaining a stable marriage. When trust is lost, shaken, or broken, the framework for a marriage is compromised, and shadows of doubt seep in. In a trustless marriage built on sand, you dare not rely on a straw.
Mistrust can have various causes. Emotional or physical infidelity is one of the most common precipitating factors. Still, deception can also arise from undisclosed financial matters, chronic lying about seemingly innocuous things, and sharing personal confidences with others outside of a committed relationship. Small or large, every lie erodes any trust that exists.
In the absence of trust, relationship dynamics become distorted. The sanctuary of marriage can become a sphere of suspicion. Some simple gestures or one-liners can be misunderstood and turn into a fight. The emotional walls that mistrust affords a marriage can leave spouses feeling alone, always on edge, and afraid of the subsequent letdown.
Building trust is never easy, and it's a monumental task. Trust requires genuine, honest-to-goodness remorse and open communication, followed by consistent behavior over time, to demonstrate that you are trustworthy and committed. Counseling becomes an invaluable step towards stitching up the cracks for many couples. It provides a neutral ground to explore origins, identify emotions, and find the path forward to healing.
Trust is, in fact, the blood that flows through a relationship. Without it, true closeness and intimacy will be brutal to find, which is why you should always take good care of this beautiful thing.
#8 Differing Life Goals
You want to travel the world; they want to settle down.
Divergent paths can lead you to question compatibility. However, with understanding and compromise, a couple can knit two visions into one.
When two people enter matrimony, it's a symphony of dreams and hopes. But as two singles, it isn’t always two pairs. When our paths are crossing, couple life is often the time we realize that ours are going in opposite directions — you know, like couples do.
If these differences are not recognized and addressed, they can cause friction that puts the relationship in a tricky situation.
Different life goals range widely. One of you may be picturing a whole house, and the other an empty one, toiling, while the other runs screaming through Utah.
Career goals also take different paths: one partner wants a high-powered job with potential for relocation, while the other desires stability and roots in a specific location. Even attitudes toward financial management, from saving for early retirement to living in the moment, can come into conflict.
These differences often lead to common complaints about being overlooked or unappreciated. Partners may feel that their personal dreams are being overshadowed or put on the back burner by the other's goals. These differences can breed resentment and unhappiness over time.
Different life goals involve open communication, empathy, and compromise. Partners should actively listen, clearly explain their positions, and work to identify commonalities. Couples can create a shared dream, combine both members' desires and hopes into a dream of their own.
In a nutshell, their differing life goals can pose a challenge to their marriage. Still, they also present an opportunity for expansion and a deeper understanding, which means they will have a richer tapestry to call their own as they journey together.
#9 External Family Conflicts
In-laws or extended family stoking the flames?
Relationships can be stretched from the outside. A middle ground, such as therapy, can help guide you through these minefields.
A marriage is the joining together of two people…and through them, the bonding of two families- each with its own set of personalities, eccentricities, customs, and standards. When these familial worlds collide, so do the external family conflicts in ways that can ripple outward and muddy up the marital waters.
Often, these conflicts stem from differences in upbringing, cultural practices, or family expectations.
For example, holidays or events can become a battleground - everyone wants time with the couple. Parental or sibling meddling in the couple's decisions—whether involving raising a child, finances, or even career choices—can also strain a marital bond.
Sometimes, it's a matter of getting caught up in long-held family grudges and divisions that inadvertently bring the couple into the firestorm, forcing them to take sides or make peace. Then there is the balancing act of being loyal to your family of origin and to your spouse, a tightrope walk that can result in feelings of guilt and betrayal.
To handle this animosity, you must come together as a front. The two are required to tell each other everything and set boundaries that elevate the relationship. Nobody is suggesting that people should destroy their own families, but there is respect and honor for family AND marriage.
In sum, as long as they're inevitable in an overall story of marriage, external family conflicts offer couples the chance to build their relationship and claim their autonomy while discovering who they truly are in each other and within the fabric of their extended family.
#10 Persistent Negative Patterns
Falling into the same old destructive patterns?
It’s less painful not to be banging your head against a brick wall and repeating the same mistake. Get out of the rut with a few professional insights.
Marriage can be hard — its ups and downs are a fact of life.
When one party to the relationship makes one too many mistakes, and those mistakes start becoming habits, it can erode the trust, empathy, and love in a relationship.
Behind these tendencies lies a pattern that can be subtle and not easily recognizable at first, yet it can ultimately define the given relationship.
It can be continually critical (where one partner always has a problem with the other) or stonewalling, where issues are swept under the carpet and walls go up instead of emotions being expressed. There's another unhealthy cycle here: the blame game, where you point fingers at your partner to avoid taking responsibility for your own behavior.
There's also the risk of contempt, in which one partner sees themselves as superior to and belittles or mocks the other. This behavior can erode the respect and goodwill in a relationship. Defensiveness may also serve as an automatic reaction that makes it difficult for one party to understand or resolve the conflict.
Such cycles lead to a loss of connection and to resentment, while at times can even cause them severe psychological distress. The air becomes so full of tension that it always feels like walking on eggshells; old problems are there, lingering behind the shadows, just waiting to come back at any word.
Working on these habitual negative patterns is not an easy task, and it requires conscious effort, self-reflection, and sometimes help from others. Couples therapy can provide tools and insights to break these cycles, resulting in healthier interactions. It's essential that committed partners also acknowledge these dynamics, take responsibility, and work toward creating a more positive, healthy, and supportive marital climate. Fundamentally recognizing and addressing negative patterns makes for a more tranquil and satisfying marital journey.
Act!
It may help a couple in a marriage to remember that asking for help is not a sign of weakness.
It's just like hiring a guide when you're lost in the jungle. It's about figuring out the mess together and finding your way back to love.
A journey called marriage has its own rollercoaster twists and turns. The act of recognizing a need and asking for help can be the bridge between drifting apart and growing together.
So, if you recognize any of these signs in yourself, then counseling might be something to consider. And after all, isn't love worth fighting for?
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