Falling in love, watching it grows, and then marriage can be blissful, but no relationship is all upsides.
In fact, it is the long haul of a marriage that can be hard on a union.
Raising children, financial matters, working long hours, your own personal battles – simply learning how to adjust to life’s peaks and valleys can tear a marriage apart.
Marriage counseling can help!
Recent studies estimate that over 40% of all marriages end in divorce.
In truth, some marriages are not meant to last. Couples can grow apart or simply learn they are incompatible. The truth is most divorces occur because couples are ill-equipped to deal with problems. Through marriage counseling, couples can work on their issues through the guidance of a trained professional.
• Do marriage therapists help?
• What kinds of counseling are there?
Answers to most of these questions can be found below.
What Is Marriage Counseling?
Marriage counseling is aimed specifically at relationships and marriage.
It’s also known as couples therapy or marriage therapy.
Marriage counselors are trained and licensed to help couples identify problems within their relationship and work towards practical solutions for issues that they may be facing.
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Couples use therapy to discuss their real emotions.
Open communication is the key to resolving marital problems and one of the best ways to learn communication skills, reach agreements, and figure out how to move forward as a couple – or to amicably divorce when that is the best answer for the couple – is through marriage counseling (or even better premarital counseling).
Marriage counseling is all about equipping couples with the tools to understand each other and how to resolve conflict.
Although many couples seek assistance in counseling only when their relationships are in crisis, couples therapy can be helpful at any stage of a coupleship.
Marriage counselors help couples with:
• Settling financial disputes
• Learning how to communicate in a relationship
• Improving conflict resolution
• Identifying and addressing issues affecting the relationship
• Working on trust issues in a relationship
• Recapturing the spark or building intimacy
• Overcoming infidelity in a relationship
• Addressing disagreements about parenting styles
• Saving a marriage to avoid divorce
• Finding a healthy way to end a relationship
Types Of Marriage Counseling
Marriage therapy uses many of the same methods and techniques as individual counseling.
Being familiar with the differences in couples therapy will help you out in your search for the right therapist.
Gottman method couple’s therapy: Also developed by married psychologists John and Julie Gottman, the Gottman method is centered on particular behaviors that damage relationships and lead to marriage problems. These are usually defined by one or more of the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse of relationships: defensiveness, criticism, stonewalling, or contempt.
Discernment counseling: Couples are often not “on the same page” regarding the decision to end a relationship. Discernment counseling is a temporary form of process aimed at helping two individuals determine their next step.
Solution-focused therapy: This form of counseling helps couples in addressing particular problems or disagreements. With the help of a therapist, couples will set relationship goals and work toward achieving them.
Emotionally focused therapy (EFT): With EFT the couple explores particular painful events that happened within their relationship. Such discussions may allow for an understanding of what led to the feelings and behaviors that ensued.
Cognitive behavioral therapy: While CBT is normally applied to deal with anxiety and depression, studies show its efficacy as a form of couples therapy.
It can help with issues in communication or conflict resolution.
What type of therapy is best for married couples?
“What is the best type of therapy?” depends on who you ask.
So not only do you have to find the right kind of therapy, you also have to find the therapist that is a good fit for both you and your partner.
Does Marriage Counseling Work?
The prognosis for marital counseling research is good. Studies by the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) show that:
• More than 98% of couples who tried marriage counseling report that their therapy sessions were either “excellent” or “good”
• Of those who tried marriage counseling, 90% say emotional health has improved
• Two-thirds say they’ve seen improvements in their physical health after seeking counseling
Counseling can help whether you and your partner have been together for 2 months or 20 years, and many couples find it to be valuable.
Research shows that problems with communication, such as negative attitudes towards conflict resolution or a lack of positive communication, are often at the cause of relationship distress.
Counseling tends to be a remedy to these issues before they become major fights.
Counseling is also shown to help couples struggling with major issues; one study comparing couples who sought therapy for infidelity with couples in non-infidelity relationships.
As expected, those couples who sought professional help experienced a greater improvement on relationship satisfaction.
Couples strongly committed to counseling are likely to view it as very effective.
Who Should Seek Marriage Counseling?
Though it may be called “marriage counseling,” counseling, as we will see, does not only concern those who are already married. The techniques used in couples therapy and marriage counseling are not greatly different. Therapy can also be pursued irrespective of whether one is in a relationship or not.
Among those who may find marriage counseling to be helpful are:
• Straight couples
• LGBT couples
• Engaged couples
• Couples that are dating
• Couples in long-distance relationships
• Couples in open relationships
Once again, there are no limitations on why one may seek marriage counseling. Problems you can’t fix yourself are good candidates for therapy. An objective, impartial, third party can help, and it doesn’t take long. Don’t forget that therapy can also be for addressing specific challenges in a relationship.
Couples struggling with relationship issues specific to the LGBTQIA+ community can, for instance, benefit from online LGBTQ therapy.
Problems couples will often come to counseling for may also include feeling like:
• They simply rehash the same argument or conflict and are unable to resolve it
• They have a disagreement regarding money, children, or lifestyle choices.
• They feel as though household chores/responsibilities are not equal and they would like to work on better communication around this issue.
• They’ve “lost” romantic, sexual chemistry
• Their relationship is “on auto-pilot” They are not heard or seen in the relationship, or their partner is emotionally unavailable.
• They’ve been traumatized or experienced a loss and are unable to process it
• Coping with mental health issues, infidelity, or substance use is impacting their relationship
Couples therapy isn’t advised for everyone, but most partners can find it useful except for those in abusive relationships.
If you or someone you love is dealing with abuse in any form, find therapy and help now!
Marriage counseling may also be helpful for couples who have read all the books but to no avail, couples who argue to the point that it is negatively impacting their quality of life, couples who want assistance from a neutral party to help determine their best options, couples whose arguments seem cyclical and have been stagnant with little change for years, or couples on the verge of separation and/or divorce.
What Happens During Marriage Counseling?
Most marriage counselors want both partners to attend.
This is the best way because a therapist really needs to witness your interactions and communication styles in order to provide you with the best tools for improvement.
But if your spouse is unwilling or unable to make an appointment, you can go to marriage counseling alone.
Even if it doesn’t work for you, there is value in learning something about yourself and how you feel about your relationship.
What marriage counseling looks like:
During your first marriage counseling session
Most marriage therapists spend the first several sessions asking a lot of questions.
This allows them to get to know each of you a little better as individuals.
It’s also a good way for them to see how you operate as a married couple.
Your couple’s therapist will also ask questions unrelated to your relationship, often about your childhood, your family, and other personal information.
It can be awkward to reveal these sorts of things to a stranger, but disclosure is part of the process.
Setting a marriage counseling timeline and goals
1. After your couple’s therapist has had some time to get to know you, you will be asked to share your goals for counseling.
2. After that, you will be able to select the goals you want to work on.
3. For example, you might want to develop an understanding of your partner or learn to meet each other part of the way when you don’t see eye-to-eye.
4. Marriage counseling is extremely individualized.
5. There is no specific number of sessions or timeline.
6. Some people feel that they have achieved their goals after a few sessions while others choose to attend for several years.
7. If you feel that you are gaining from the counseling, then you should stay in therapy if you wish to.
8. Both are invited to provide their perspective of the relationship dynamic.
9. The counselor will ask many questions until they feel complete understanding of the couple’s short- and long-term goals.
And from there, the counselor will confront daily behaviors that are inconsistent with the desired future, goals, and objectives.
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