It’s not uncommon for people in relationships to experience challenges here and there. Whether you and your partner are having communication problems, trust issues, disagreements over where to spend the holidays, arguments about chores, career stresses, children, in-laws, or money, there’s always the potential for two people to butt heads.
If you find yourself on the brink of separation or divorce, you may be wondering: Can couples counseling save a relationship? The answer is yes… sort of. Couples counseling (aka marriage counseling) can help you repair your relationship and make you stronger than before. But it’s not always guaranteed to work. Let’s discuss…
In This Article You Will Learn the Following:
• Counseling 101: What Is Couples Counseling?
• Factors That Determine if Couples Counseling Can Save Your Relationship
• How Couples Counseling Works
• Regular Misconceptions About Couples Counseling
• When Couples’ Counseling Won’t Work
• Can Couples Counseling Save Your Relationship?
Counseling 101: What Is Couples Counseling?
Couples’ counseling, which is also called marriage counseling by many people, is exactly what it sounds like: it’s a type of therapy for couples. It’s a safe environment that allows you and your partner to air grievances, listen to one another, and begin working on your problems with the help of a therapist.
A couple’s counselor is usually someone who specializes in relationships. They’re neutral and can help you both communicate more effectively while helping you identify the problem areas in your relationship.
Couples’ counseling helps you learn how to navigate arguments in healthy ways. No matter what you and your partner fight about, there are better and worse ways to communicate when you disagree. You’ll learn how to listen without judgment and how to respond without attacking your partner.
Some types of relationship counseling focus on:
• Communication
• Learning how to argue in constructive ways and express your needs to your partner
• Emotions
• Exploring the underlying emotions behind arguments (you might be fighting about household chores but really want your partner to pay more attention to you)
• Conflict resolution
• Learning how to resolve conflict without hurting your partner and your relationship
• Intimacy
• Rebuilding your emotional and physical connection
• Trust
• Earn back your partner’s trust by improving your communication and accountability.
• Parenting
• Providing support and improving your co-parenting skills
• Finances
• Learning how to manage money as a couple
Improving Yourself for Your Partner
There are countless benefits of couples counseling and, yes, it can save many relationships. When you go into counseling with your partner, you both grow individually which allows the relationship to grow.
Factors That Determine if Couples Counseling Can Save Your Relationship
One of these factors is timing. Studies show that the average couple waits about six years after their relationship problems become serious to seek help from a counselor. By then, many couples say their resentment has built up so much that their marriage counselor can’t help them. When couples start counseling early on, they have a much higher rate of success.
Another thing that matters is your ability to identify and correct poor communication patterns. Many couples can avoid divorce if they learn how to communicate better. While couples counseling can help you improve communication, both partners need to be open and caring to listen and change.
Timing & Willingness to Change Are Key
If you and your partner catch a problem early on and seek couples counseling to fix it, you have a better chance of “saving” your relationship. Both partners must also want to fix the problem. Couples counseling won’t be effective if one partner goes into therapy with a closed mind or an unwillingness to change.
The success of your marriage counseling also depends on the quality of your therapist. Not all therapists are created equal, which is why it’s important to find one who has experience in couples counseling. A relationship therapist knows how couples interact with each other and will help you more than your average counselor would.
Trust Issues: Will Couples Therapy Fix It?
Ultimately, marriage counseling can fix almost any relationship issue. Just because you argue about money or have lost your connection, it doesn’t mean that you and your partner can’t learn to cope with these challenges. Keep in mind, though, there are some situations that may take longer to fix.
If your partner cheated on you or you’ve experienced emotional manipulation, it will take much longer for you to trust that person again. Couples counseling can help you work through hurt feelings and offer guidance on ways to move forward. But the relationship may already be beyond repair.
How Does Couples Counseling Work?
Couple’s counseling always begins with the counselor getting to know you and your partner. They will inquire about your relationship history, how long you have been together, the issues you are struggling with, and the goals you want to achieve through counseling. Once they have a general relationship, they’ll conduct sessions with you and your partner.
During your sessions, the therapist will talk to you about what’s currently going on in your relationship. Whether you need help communicating better, feeling more emotionally connected, being intimate with your partner, or managing money, your counselor will guide you through each session.
Some counselors will have you focus on listening to your partner. They want you to practice hearing what your partner has to say, no interrupting or getting defensive, and then letting them respond. It sounds simple, but it can be a huge turn off for your partner when you speak over them or don’t let them finish their thoughts.
Here are some other techniques your counselor will likely use.
Communication skills training:
As we mentioned above, couples that fight typically struggle with communication. Whether it’s expressing your needs or criticisms, your therapist can give you the skills you need to communicate more clearly and without damaging your partner.
Helping you understand underlying feelings:
Sometimes what you’re fighting about isn’t the real issue. You might be fighting about silly things, but what you really want is for your partner to pay more attention to you. Counseling helps you guys understand what you’re truly trying to say.
Learning how to argue effectively and healthily:
Arguing isn’t bad, but you want to make sure you argue in a way that doesn’t hurt your partner and relationship. Couples counseling can provide you with conflict resolution strategies that promote fairness.
Building trust and intimacy:
You and your partner can rebuild your intimacy by listening and learning how to be vulnerable to one another. Couples counseling helps you both understand how your words and actions affect your partner.
Problem-solving techniques:
Your therapist may walk you through how to cope with relationship problems more effectively. Whether you need to spend more time together or learn how to balance work and family, counseling can help you do this.
Common Misconceptions About Couples Counseling
It’s only for couples who want to divorce
Many people think that couples counseling is only useful when a relationship is falling apart. While marriage counseling definitely can help you when you’re ready to separate, it can also help you when you just want to boost your relationship. Lots of couples go to counseling to fine tune small issues like communication or to feel more connected.
Couples that go into counseling before their relationship hits rock bottom can learn how to prevent arguments and better communicate with one another. Not only can marriage counseling save your relationship, it can make you even stronger than before!
It happens overnight
Couples counseling doesn’t magically fix all of your problems overnight. Like individual therapy, counseling takes time and commitment. You might notice changes after your first couple’s therapy session but realize that counseling is a long-term process.
One or both partners will be “fixed”
Many people think that counseling is only for the person who does something wrong. Or they think that your counselor will “fix” one partner. This is false! Both partners must be willing to change if they want their relationship to work.
When Couples Counseling May Not Work
Marriage counseling won’t work if you or your partner is no longer invested in the relationship. If your partner is checked out and you’re still fighting to save your marriage, it won’t do you any good. Both partners must want to improve the relationship for things to work in counseling.
Relationships can’t improve if you both are not taking responsibility for your actions. If you constantly point the finger at your partner without recognizing how you also contribute to arguments, then counseling will be pointless.
If you are in an abusive relationship, then counseling isn’t the right step for you… yet. You may want to seek individual counseling to help you learn how to leave your partner safely. Once you’re in a safe place, couples counseling can help you decide if you want to stick it out with your partner.
Can Couples Counseling Save Your Relationship?
Yes and no. If you’re willing to put in the work and commit to your relationship, couples counseling can likely save your relationship. However, there’s always a possibility that things don’t work out—even with counseling. The benefits of couples counseling can still improve your life whether you stay with your partner or not.
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